An old man living at the retirement home was attracted to an old lady, also living at the home. One evening after lights out, he has a couple shots of Scotch and sneaks down the hall. Fortified by his liquid courage he says, "I wanna fuck you." "Well," she says, "everyone else is asleep, so, what the hell." "How do you like to do it?" "I really like it when a man goes down on me," she says. He lifts up her nightie, takes off her panties and starts yodeling in the gully. He comes up about 15 seconds later with a disgusted look on his face. "I'm sorry, I just can't do this. Something smells fucking rotten down there." She said, "It must be my arthritis." He said, "You can't get arthritis in your vagina, and even so it wouldn't cause that horrible smell." She said, "The arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe." What's 60 feet long and smells like piss? The conga line in a nursing home. An older couple makes an appointment to see their doctor. "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "We're from a different generation than you and we have problems talking about sex," says the lady. "Perhaps we could show you?" The doctor curses silently under his breath, but then remembers his Hippocratic Oath, and says, "Certainly." So they strip naked, hop up on the examining table and fuck like teenagers. They get dressed and the man says, "Huh, it didn't happen that time. Perhaps we should make an appointment for next week." They come back week after week after week: fucking like bunny rabbits every time until the doctor says, "What's really going on here?" The lady says, "When we do it at my house, my husband beats us up. When we do it at his house his wife throws cold water on us. A nice motel costs $80; a fleabag hotel costs $40, but you have a $12 co-pay and my insurance covers the rest." A minister married a considerably younger woman. On their wedding night he excused himself and went into the bathroom to slip into some pajamas. He exited the bathroom and saw his new wife naked and spread-eagled on the bed. "Darling," he said, "I thought we'd start our married life with me on your knees at the foot of the bed." "Okay. But that position always gives me gas." An elderly couple is hit by a bus and goes to heaven. St. Peter ushers them in and gives them a guided tour of their eternal resting place. "Here's the golf course. There's the swimming pool. There's your condo. If you need anything press the button for room service and an angel will deliver it." St. Peter leaves and the old man turns to his wife and says, "Screw you!" "What's your problem? This is fantastic." "Yes, it is. And if it wasn't for those vitamins and all that fucking oat bran you fed me I'd have been here 15 years ago." Three generations of the Collins family were getting ready to tee off one Sunday when the threesome was joined by a beautiful, young female golfer. Before they could introduce themselves the young lady said, "Listen, I'm a two handicap so I don't need any of your patronizing petty male-chauvinist-bullshit advice. So just leave me the fuck alone." "Okay," said Grandpa Collins. "Okay," said Mr. Collins. "Okay," said Junior. The foursome teed off and played the first 17 holes. On the par five 18th the female golfer blasted a 290 yard tee shot, then hit a long iron to the fringe. The Collins boys reached the green a few shots later. She said, "I'm sorry if I was rude earlier, but if I sink this I'll break par for the first time in my life. I need some help, and," she added, "if your advice pays off I'll give my coach the best knee-buckling blowjob they've ever had." "Well," said Junior, "I'd pitch-and-run with a seven iron." "I'd putt it," said Mr. Collins, "and let the natural break run it up to the hole." Grandpa dropped his pants and waved his dick, "Pick it up. It's a gimme." Many Many Many jokes more inside
About the Author: Rob Loughran lives and writes in Sonoma County CA. His first novel HIGH STEAKS won the 2002 New Mystery Award. He is a member of AARP.