Infused with wisdom and a strong dose of humor, Making Hostile Words Harmless offers therapists and their clients a unique collection of effective exercises and bully-busting responses guaranteed to diffuse difficult exchanges. Filled with helpful tools, the book uses the martial art of Aikido, or the 'way of harmony' to teach the 'verbal arts' of confirming, inquiring, understanding, and evoking.
Table of Contents:
Case Stories xi
Introduction xiii
Acknowledgments xxi
Chapter 1 Difficult People and the Art of Aikidō 1
Martial Arts—East Does Not Meet West 2
Verbal Arts 3
Instinctual Reactions 4
Turning the Spotlight 5
Response versus Reaction 6
Chapter 2 Acting as If—The Art of Confirming 9
What and Why of Confirming 10
Art of Agreement 11
Speak It as You Want It 13
Counting on Compliments 16
Drama Is Worth a Thousand Words 22
Reverse Resistance with Psychology 24
Exercise 25
All-Purpose Confirmations 27
Chapter 3 Asking Questions—The Art of Inquiry 31
Dialogues 32
Pseudoquestions 34
Asking Questions to Avoid Assumptions 35
Asking Hidden Questions to Promote Contemplation 37
Spotlight Effect 38
Asking Questions to Prevent Prying 39
Asking Questions to Evoke Inquiry 41
Asking Questions that Give People a False Choice 44
Asking Questions that Predict Success 46
Exercise 47
All-Purpose Questions 49
Chapter 4 Active Listening—The Art of Understanding 51
How Listening Became Active 52
Therapeutic Triangles—Reflect Harsh Words Away from Targets 58
Narrating Behavior and Diction 59
Naming the Game 61
Filial Therapy Narrations 62
Refinement of Active Listening 64
Active Listening Add-Ons 65
Active Listening for Empowerment 67
Exercise 71
Advantages of Active Listening 73
Chapter 5 Hypnosis and Humor—The Art of Evoking 75
Modern Hypnotherapy 76
Hypnotic Basics in the Verbal Arts 78
Advanced Hypnotic Patterns 79
Exercise 95
Comedy Connection 97
Chapter 6 Taking a Stand by Opposing 101
‘‘I’’ Position 102
Taking a Stand Effortlessly 103
Disagreeing Effortlessly 108
Handling a Backlash 109
Buber Takes a Stand 111
Chapter 7 Teaching Positive Speaking to Clients 115
Positive Speaking Training Steps 115
Aikidō Cross Training (Step 5) 117
Positive Speaking for Interpersonal Issues 118
Interference from Inner Bullies 120
Limits of Positive Speaking 122
Goals of Positive Speaking 124
Maintaining Balance with High-Wire Families 125
Chapter 8 Workshops on Positive Speaking 129
Bonus: For Practice or Presentations 130
Possible Workshop Titles 130
Program Description 131
Learning Objectives 132
Materials 133
Scripted Program Outline 133
Quiz 143
Feedback Form 148
Handout 149
Questionnaire 150
Cruel Comments Worksheet 150
Quiz Answers 155
Appendix A Verbal Arts Terms 159
Appendix B All-Purpose One-Liners 165
Appendix C Psychotherapy Approaches Referenced in the Text 167
References 171
About the Author 173
Index 175
