For fans of HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU and UNFU*K YOURSELF comes a book that's not *exactly* about dating, but definitely about relationships - most importantly, the one you have with yourself. Tired of the narrative that life is something that happens to us, as opposed to something that happens for us, author and cancer survivor April Capil shares her advice for how to cultivate personal agency in a world where responsibility for life's disappointments is increasingly attributed to factors outside of our control. In this short but impactful book, Capil argues that the thoughts we think are the greatest power we have over our circumstances, and learning to be aware of and direct them can give us the motivation we need to change our lives for the better. From the Introduction: In many ways, men are still raised to be providers, so it can be uncomfortable and even frustrating to be with a partner who doesn't need you. To thrive in such a relationship, you would have to be a man whose self-worth doesn't depend on your ability to supply or control anything in your partner's life. You would have to be someone who takes responsibility for yourself and expects your partner to take responsibility for themselves. In other words, you would have to be a grown-up.
A grown-up is someone who:
1. Is responsible for, and holds themselves accountable for not just their actions, but for the beliefs that drive their actions. A grow-up understands and accepts that in the Information Age, knowledge is a choice.
2. Is responsible for, and holds themselves accountable for their emotions. A grown-up is not naïve enough to believe that other people can read or control minds. A grown-up understands and accepts that no matter how frustrating it is to acknowledge, no one can make you feel anything without your consent.
3. Defines a balance of power as everyone pulling their own weight in the appropriate measure, given the circumstances. This might look like you carrying me for a while, then me carrying you for a while, but for us to truly be in a partnership, the scales must balance.
4. Acknowledges that change is possible for anyone, given a commitment to improvement (or a commitment to destruction). A grown-up understands and accepts that anything you are not changing, you are choosing, even if change doesn't seem possible right now.
In this day and age, when responsibility is increasingly shirked or attributed to institutions and influences outside of ourselves, I am writing this book to suggest something radical: that it is time we embrace our agency, take back the responsibility for who we are and where we are, and grow the fuck up.
Because I'm grown-up and so are you.
