"Your column makes me laugh - and I'm a lifelong bachelor!" - B.T. Collins, Gov. Jerry Brown's former chief of staff From the author, Gary Zavoral: In the early 1990s, whenever my oldest child Melissa would do or say something silly or stupid, she would get all upset and remark, "Oh no, now that's going to appear in Dad's column." Thankfully for her and the rest of my family, The Sacramento Union shut down operations in 1994. I stopped writing "The Grateful Dad" and the past columns are now stored in a library. What my family didn't count on was their dad resurrecting the columns for the entire world to read. Now, everyone will know about the time Melissa blew Dad's well-worn joke ... twice; Jeremy stopped brushing his teeth for money; Zach couldn't catch a baseball to save his face; Katie thought every animal moos; and my wife, Denece, tried to convince me that everyone slits open their wieners. But, by far, the person who should be most embarrassed is yours truly. I usually turn out to be the one who's the butt of jokes ... a role we fathers seem to play well. The 52 columns in this book are on topics that parents of all ages can relate. There is a quiz for potential babysitters, a guide on how to teach your kids to throw, instructions on using a video camera to aid during childbirth, and how your kids stop thieves dead in their tracks. Here are some more of Dad's observations found in these 52 columns: On the Difference Between Boys and Girls: Toddler girls eventually will try to take off their own diapers so they can go wee-wee in their potty chairs. Toddler boys eventually will try to take off their own diapers so they can go wee-wee around their potty chairs. On a Wife's Mood Swings: If (your wife) is in an especially grouchy mood, don't say, "Gosh, it must be that time of the month." Because, chances are it won't be that time of the month, and asking if it is could make that time of the month last for 60 days. On Teaching Kids to Throw a Baseball: But there's a problem, and you try to break it to your pride and joy in the most tactful, sensitive way possible. So you scream, "You're throwing like a girl!" On Telling Our Wives "I Love You": About the only time our wives hear those three words is when we men say it in passing while leaving for work or when our wives do something that makes us feel really, really good, like cooking our favorite casserole or cleaning out the gutters. On the Olympics: I hated to tell my kids that they have zero chance of ever becoming world-class gymnasts. Because they are related to me, they'll probably wind up looking less like a teenie-weenie gymnast and more like a pommel horse. On Helping Your Wife During Childbirth: Set up your video camera in the birthing room. Whenever a contraction comes and your wife starts moaning in pain, say as nicely as you can, "Shhhh, honey, the video's taping. You don't want the folks at home seeing you act this way, now do you?" On Getting Ready for Church: We look at the clock. We are 20 minutes late. That's 16 seconds earlier than last week. At this rate, we'll get to church on time sometime in the next millennium.
About the Author: Gary Zavoral has written regular, satirical columns for several publications, but his most rewarding were the humorous ones penned about his family, who are (in order of appearance) wife Denece and children Melissa, Jeremy, Zachary and Katie. Gary and Denece's youngest son, Matthew, was born after "The Grateful Dad" years and was spared the humiliation. This is Gary's first book. Gary and Denece live in Citrus Heights, Calif., with Matt and dog Cody, and spend their spare time and even sparer money on visiting their adult children and grandchildren, who live in Minnesota, Utah and Hawaii. Email him at thegratefuldad@outlook.com.