I was never ready to start this journey and although I started putting my thoughts down on paper a year after Annie's hemorrhage the experience remains painful to recall, however, I feel the need to confront these demons in an attempt to put them to bed, but for some reason I don't think I ever will. Before I started to write about our new life, I found talking about Annie since her Hemorrhage very emotional and physically upsetting. The feelings that were pent up inside me have been responsible for my lowest times and although Annie is still here the grief is as destructive as her loss. I hope these experiences will help others to come to terms with similar traumas and put some demons to rest for me. One of the most emotional reminders of that day was the time between calling the ambulance and its arrival. Whilst waiting for the ambulance to come I was on the floor by our backdoor. Annie had had two very big seizures and her lips were red with her blood. I was holding her on my lap, I recall preying, panicking, and crying. The feelings were of a huge helplessness and fear. I was telling Annie to hold on and that the ambulance was coming. The Paramedic, bless him was asking questions like 'has your wife been drinking, have you been arguing and did she fall and hit her head, all I wanted was for them to get her to hospital. I know I phoned my daughter Sarah but as for what I said I haven't a clue. Was I calm? I don't know. Following the chaos of admission to A&E and Annie's scan where we were told that she had suffered a huge Subarachnoid Hemorrhage (from now on I will refer to a Subarachnoid Hemorrhage as SAH as it's easier) Annie was transferred to the Heath Hospital. By this time Thursday the 23rd of January 2014 had become the 24th and I think it was about one in the morning. Annie was transported via ambulance and I collected my car and followed on. The journey to Cardiff wasn't good, my eyes were blurred from the tears and the rain was unyielding. Annie was in and out of sleep. We needed to keep her quiet but due to her confusion and pain in her head it was hard. Looking back there were a few incidents that made us laugh, like when a buzzer would sound Annie would chirp up 'I will be there now' also if someone called Nurse Annie would answer with a YES. Annie and I met when we were both nursing. Later that day we met with the surgeon who was going to operate on Annie's aneurism. It was now that we were told the words we knew were coming but didn't want to hear. It was touch and go and Annie may not survive surgery. The wait was long. This wait allowed the negative thoughts in and they ate away at my heart, but having our children with me gave me the strength to face up to what seemed like an eternity. Annie came back to the ward and we were told that the bleed had been stopped, however, the next few days were crucial in Annie's recovery. Annie was all tubes and wires, head partly shaved and in a deep coma. Every day I would talk to her, play music and reassure her that we were there. I would ask her to squeeze my hand but nothing came. The nurses would try to get a response by pinching her toes or finger but nothing came. Then a few days later Annie squeezed my hand very gently at first, we then knew that we were moving forward. They were very small steps, but they were steps. During this time, I was sleeping in my car. Sarah and Andy turned up one night a 4 AM with coffee and McDonalds. I had my quilt and phone and I was close to my Annie. All this was unbeknown to the Ward Sister. A night spent in your car in the Heath Hospital car park is like an episode of Nature Watch dedicated to rats. Sister did find out and I was banished to stay with my daughter Jess in Newport. One huge blessing was, Annie knew us and knew that our love for her was overflowing. There were still worrying times but we had started to fight and so had Annie.