For the first thirty-five years of my life, I thought I was unstoppable, believing that my hard work, focus and passion could carry me through anything. I had an amazing, flexible job, a loving husband, a powerful, strong body and lived in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I believed I made good choices and had control over my future.
I didn't.
Going from professional level ultra-distance mountain bike racer to mother addicted to pain pills was a long and arduous road. And not just painful in the physical sense, but in a deeply emotional and spiritually soul crushing way. I spent ten years in a downward spiral I couldn't control. I was labeled a drug seeker and a phony. I dragged my family through years of turmoil and despair. But I am a fighter. And I didn't succumb to those who thought the pain was "all in my head". I clawed my way through the healing process and fought every day to put my life back together. I didn't just do this through more surgeries and drugs, I also had to go through a deeply powerful Shamanic experience to heal fully. We humans are more than our bodies and healing is not just about identifying physical problems and fixing them. It is about tapping into our emotional wounds, the ones that lay deep beneath the surface. Those lacerations are the hardest to find and the most challenging to heal.
What started as one little surgery snowballed into the decade that almost destroyed my life.
Each time I had one of my surgeries, diagnostic injections, CT scans or doctors' appointments, I had hope. Hope that this was the last one, the last knife, the last needle, the last pain pill. Hope that I could get my life back. Hope that the pain would finally be gone. And each time that hope was crushed. But instead of letting the grief of lost hope consume me, I had to find ways to continue to show up for myself and my family. I found love, gratitude, grit and a perseverance I had no idea I possessed.
If you want to read a book about Vicodin and OxyContin to understand how these drugs ruin lives, this is not the book for you. I offer a much different take on opioids. They did not destroy my life, they saved it. Our society loves tragedy and drama. And don't get me wrong, my journey has both of those elements, but it is also a story of hope and perseverance. There are many people who have an experience like mine but you never hear about them because they are not commercial. I didn't end up in the back alleys of the big city shooting up. Instead I fought through the withdrawal process twice, unsupported and alone while continuing to work and care for my family.
But as I sit here today, I can tell you, the journey, the pain, the fear and subsequently the growth that took place were all worth it. When I reflect on those years, I know it was meant to be. Because I share my life lessons each and every day. And not just with people in pain, with everyone. The six lessons I share in this book are not exclusive to those who are suffering. You don't have to experience the misery I did to appreciate the growth and take a nugget of it with you into your life. The human experience is defined by highs and lows. And we all have them. It's what we do with them that matters.
Even though I now know I am stoppable, my spirit remains unbreakable.
